I Haven't Got Time For The Pain

The blog tried to publish itself prematurely.
I thought I'd try to feel better by blogging. Right now I'm in a lot of pain and I don't want to be. I wake up every morning with this preconceived idea of how I'd like my day to go and it never includes pain. Which is odd because I know to expect it. I guess I'm still in denial. I mean, some days are better than others. Since I don't seem to be able to think my way out of this I decided to use an old tool call a Gratitude List.
1. I have a big bath towel that Kim gave me that makes taking a shower alot better.
(ok, how do I stop the italics?)
2. The guy at the nursing home and a guy in Florida that say they want to marry me in spite of "the curse".
3. when Sadie puts her head on my shoulder
4. Appreciation.
5. Shows that make me laugh, like Funniest Pets and People and Everybody Loves Raymond.
6. A really good book or movie.
7. Days when I get up and I weigh less than I thought. (rare these days)
8. Family and friends
9. Plants and flowers that respond well to my attention.
10.A really good sex dream.
And my #11 favorite thing? A nap! That is where I'm headed until the drugs kick in:).
Hey, the italics are gone.

Oh, here's my "boo hoo" for the day. I'm going through Sadies clothes yet again and taking out the ones she's outgrown. Damn! She's barely worn them--including shoes. I tend to mourn all her cute little clothes. Maybe a boy would have been better. NOT!

I Haven't Got

ghost in the machine

that's right, the frickin thing doesn't answer to anybody; not even kim. She tried everything she knew and this little unassuming monster has decided to try and cut me off again. As it stand, i can't comment, or most times even open your blogs. I hafta go buy mom some underwear cuz i keep throwing hers out when i do her laundry. Use youe imagination. sorry. I offer it up to god.

sixteen candles

I watched sixteen candles last night for the 20th time. I know it's a flaky eighties movie but its one of those flicks I feel safe with, like an old friend. I'm not going to get scared or grossed out or have nightmares; except for the one about my own sixteenth birthday. The other reason why I like the movie is because I identify with it. Yes, my family forgot THE most important birthday of my life. My father had died 15 months earlier and he was the one who would have remembered. My mother was in Florida for some reason and I was left with 3 older brothers to whom I was either here nor there at the time. I told my girlfriend about it as we were walking to school. Luckily she had planned ahead and a few of my friends gave me a cupcake with a candle in it at lunchtime, in the cafeteria. A little humiliating. Later that evening, my brother Don said, "Hey, why don't you do the dishes?" My mother had been gone a few days so the sink was overflowing. I gave him my best pout and said "It's my birthday." "Oh,Oh, God! he says, "That's ok. You don't have to do them. And, here's 20 bucks. (As he sheepishly snickers). I say, "Forget it!" And then he begs me, apologizing. I finally take it (all the time knowing I was going to. 20 bucks then was alot). He must have called my mom cuz she called later that night and said she had a present for me in her dresser drawer. I go look and it was one of those really pathetic transisters that only played 2 am stations if you clipped the antennae wire to the metal windowsill. It wasn't wrapped so I knew it was a save. I made light of it because, afterall, it was just one more episode in the Dysfunctional Family Circus. To this day she still doesn't remember my birthday, March 6, until it starts getting toward the end of the month cuz hers is March 30 and she doesn't let us forget that.

what was I thinking?

Last week kim and I cashed in her mother's day present from me --a manicure and pedicure. I got there a few minutes ahead of time, just enough time to do some damage. I decided to get fake nails. I did it 10 yrs ago and loved it. But since then my hands have warped a bit and I drop stuff all the time. Not only do I drop stuff more, I am always apologizing to my granddaughter for stabbing her (if only she understood what "I'm sorry gramma stabbed you" meant), I can't blow my nose well. although getting to my eyeball via my nostril is easier. And you won't find any earwax. The worst problem is the keyboard, I'm a hunt & pecker(?) for awhile. But the experience was great. I blew Kim's idea of sitting next to each other in the pedicure chairs cuz i had to get my nails on first. I needed her to hold my hand while that bitch korean scrubbed the bottom of my feet. Who likes that? I gaspped and screamed a few times. Plus I know they talk about us. It might be worth learning Korean just to find out. Then we went to CiCi's for lunch. All in all, a good day for me.However, nothing can compare to the day I had with my daughter when her daughter was born. She asked me to be in the O.R. with her. The greatest gift she could ever give me. Oh, and the "bundle" too. Aaron saw Sadie right after she was cleaned up and said "So that's what our skin is suppose to look like". I have to go now and pick food out from under my nails.

glad to be back

even tho my template backround is red,, and my cursor keeps jumping around i can at least communicate with all the important people. You guys (even those of you I don't know) are so damn clever. You come up with the funniest, most thoughful and intelligent ramblings. I am truly humbled. Actually I'm embarrassed and insecure. Which brings me to my apology to myself. I apologize to myself for always being so critical, impatient and unforgiving. I don't cut myself any slack. I reread a blog from the other day and i misused a word. I meant to write "here" and I wrote "hear". Geeeez, I wanted to revoke my right to write. I don't care if everyone else has typos. Who has time to critique themselves so closely? Every day I look in the mirror and am disgusted by what age has done to my face and body. Kim is always telling me I look the way I'm suppose to for my age. I'm not aging gracefully and it is really getting in the way of living life. Funny thing is I've never thought I looked good enough. Now I look back at photos where I thought I looked terrible and wish I could look like that now. I have always admired people who get out and do things no matter what. When people have confidence instead of insecurity, they automatically appear beautiful. From the time I wake up until I go to bed I think I shouldn't make any mistakes. The people I live with can assure you tyhat isn't the case. I am always tripping myself up. But here's the thing; I do an awful lot of things right. And I do them well.. No more room to blog. To be continued.

joke

ok, i heard this at 1:a.m. ish but of course the computer wouldn't cooperate so hear it is from a letter read by Craig Fergusen. "If people point to their wrist when they ask what time it is, why don't they point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is". I thought this was hillarious. oh well. Cassie, this may be the only way I can talk to you. Whenever I try to access your blog, I get stopped at some point or other. My computer won't let me talk to you via the response. Maybe your energy and mine are just too much. I will keep tryng. I wanted to comment on an earlier blog about taking kai to the park or anyplace where he may be misunderstood. I was a loner child for fear of rejection more often than not. I still am. And when my kids were little I remember telling someone that I felt it was my children and I against the world, after some jerk with no kids got put out by one of them acting like a child. There are such things as perfect parents: they are the ones with no kids. That doesn't mean all childless people are like that. Its just that the rudest, stupidest remarks come from well meaning "no child" people. Sorry for using this venue for responding. Maybe I should burn some sage and waft it over the computer. I think Kim has some.

woops-bow & arrow in the head

I had to double dip today because I just remember what I saw on the news this a.m. The city of Royal Oak and some other city is considering making it legal to hunt with bow and arrow because of the increase in deer population. I guess there have been over a hundred car vs deer accidents of late. I know it makes sense to kill them rather than have them run all over populated places looking for food because of urban sprawl. But consider this. Why can't we just tag all the child molesters and lane blockers and hand out bows and arrows and shoot them instead. I'd rather have the deer. Has anyone ever considered birth control for deer. LIke put some in salt licks or something. This is getting so ridiculous. I go nuts everytime I see the bull dozers raping more pristine land for more buildings when we have abandoned houses and buildings all over the place. Open the goddamn doors of those places and let the deer in. As you probably realize, i like animals ---sometimes more than people. I am not naive. I understand people hunt for food. ok for them. I get that. But why bows and arrows? I give up.

OCD strikes again!

I went out to clean my van but the branches on the abandoned property next door keep slapping me in the face. So I grabbed the monster clippers and took out half the tree. Also their rose bush hangs over the fence and has dangerous thorns, so I took care of that also. I had to move the garbage cans to get to it and decided to clean up that whole area and till up the dirt to possibly make it attractive somehow. While I had the rake out i knew I needed to rake up the weeds I had pulled out of the front little garden. I got the lawn bags and loaded it up. But I needed to finish clearing and tilling that area, so I spent hours doing that. It was great. I didn't think of a cigarette or anything else. I realized how much I really enjoy gardening stuff. Plus I compose little stories while I'm alone with my head. If I do it enough I might come up with something publishable. Well, maybe I'll get to the van today and see where else it takes me. This is why a list of things to do is totally useless to me. It just makes me feel like a failure because--well you can figure out why. I am really sore today, but happy to have discovered something else to obsess about.

TA DA

It worked! I posted a comment. I didn't do anything different. my computer is just in a better mood. Gee, if i would have known it was going to go through, i would have been more prolific. I, however don't feel as well as my computer. My fibro is bad today. Real bad. I can hardly move. Navigating my stairs takes a while. But nothing can dampen my spirits from a computer that is working well. Isn't that weird? It takes so little to make me happy. Thats reminds me of my dream, which was so emotional. O.K. everyone take a break. Noone likes to hear someone elses dreams. But, I think this is what blogging is for. So here it is. Kim was getting ready to go to some kind of Amway party. It was something that was suppose to make her rich. Even tho she didn't really buy it she was going anyway. I was upset with her cuz I didn't think it was important enough for me to babysit for. I said " maybe i want to go out". She's like "Right. Where are you gonna go?" I just starting crying saying I didnt know I just wanted to find someone to hold me. I havent been hugged or held by a man for so long I was just jonesing for some body contact. I woke up feeling like i had been sobbing. It was a dream but unfortunately it is quite true. There is a guy at my moms nursing home that keeps bugging me to go out but he's an alcoholic and just wants to get laid. But I do go up to him and get him to hug me for body contact. It actually helps my pain. But as desparate as I am for companionship, I can't let it happen with just anyone. It's just too complicated. If the right guy comes along, then I will be blessed. God, this sounds like I'm some kind of snob. It's not that. There is a lot of fear involved. I need a guy who makes me feel so comfortable that fear won't be an issue. I have to feel a connection. Oh well its all just part of the human dilemma. The computer is acting like I've been here too long and I'm pushing my luck so I'd better go. Everyone have a great day.

I am not a malcontent

I knew it. I found everybodys blogs, prepared to dazzle all with my witty comments and the computer won't let them pass. Now, you might say I create self-fulfilling prophecies but I was actually born an optimist. I've just had it beaten out of me through systematic practical jokes by the universe. Probably tomorrow Kim will come up to my dungeon to inspect the problem and there won't be one. She will walk away and it will appear, sticking its tongue out at me. This has happened before. People just assume I'm an idiot and thats that. But I don't give up. I get like the legless guy on the top of the mast in a hurricane screaming at God to come and get me. Give it your best shot. People may think I'm really asking for trouble, pissing off some omnipotent ruler of the universe. But actually all it does it let me vent a little and not much changes. So hopefully by tomorrow I will be on better terms with the blog pages and can communicate with the wonderful people that frequent this little room.

Holy I.Q. Batman..you're really stupid!

Geeez, I don't post as much as I'd like because I know there's going to be some frustration involved. I love to read comments on my posts and I'd love to reciprocate but I still don't know where to find the group postings. Someone (Kim) needs to show me this obviously simple move. My stuff isn't interesting enough to keep reading. First of all, thank you , andrea for your offer to smell me out of the house. Unfortunately your farts are light weight compared to your husbands and Sadies diapers. They don't drive me out--they just start a war. You could, however, offer to take your mother-in-law out with you once in a while; that is if you are still talking to me for being the "M.I.L." I never wanted to be. The only way I can be redeemed is when you have your own children and find yourself doing things you swore you'd never do. Unfortunately I'll be dead by the time you realize this. But I promise to visit often from the after life. nya a a (sounds like the villainess laugh).
Anyway, back to the "genius" i.q. About 15 or so years ago Kim, my husband Mike and I all took an I.Q. test. All three of us scored genius with Mike the highest (but little common sense) and I the lowest. But still respectable. Since then Kim is the only living remaining genius. Mike is dead for almost 10 years and I am blaming my decline on my fibromyalgia, since it is a symptom called "fibro-fog" among the sufferers. I might find my keys in the refrigerator and my socks in my purse. So my potential for learning new stuff has greatly diminished over the last few years. I need a little extra instruction. So please be patient; and HELP. I used to make a living on the computer for awhile when I was a graphic artist. By far my most favorite job. I had to know a lot about art and writing programs. Now I have problems trying to figure out the remote on my new air conditioner. A testiment to ever growing laziness. It's too far away for me to get up and adjust. Its all the way over there.
Cassie, I loved having you guys here. I apologize for my brief meltdown regarding Sadies hair cut. My brain perceives things in a very scewed way. I actually felt quite guilty about ruining Sadies life by cutting her bangs too short. By the way, it doesn't look like they've grown out very much. She is still getting stares and ridicule:)* And the entertainment provided by your husband as he was preparing for a shower when I surprised him by coming downstairs unexpectedly was worth the whole visit. He looked a little like yetti---but in a good way. And your son is soo adorable. Very very smart for his age---for my age. But then he has a very intelligent set of parents. I was impressed how much you guys like to read as opposed to tv watching. If it wasn't for Sesame Street my kids would still be counting on their toes. Thank God there was no Barney at that time. They would all be singing "I love you, you love me....." Yuk! Well, it is laundry day. And I'm suppose to begin the new cooking regime that involves following a recipe. Something very different for me. It also explains alot. bye for now. love to you all (the drugs have kicked in) and talk to ya soon I hope.