I Haven't Got Time For The Pain

The blog tried to publish itself prematurely.
I thought I'd try to feel better by blogging. Right now I'm in a lot of pain and I don't want to be. I wake up every morning with this preconceived idea of how I'd like my day to go and it never includes pain. Which is odd because I know to expect it. I guess I'm still in denial. I mean, some days are better than others. Since I don't seem to be able to think my way out of this I decided to use an old tool call a Gratitude List.
1. I have a big bath towel that Kim gave me that makes taking a shower alot better.
(ok, how do I stop the italics?)
2. The guy at the nursing home and a guy in Florida that say they want to marry me in spite of "the curse".
3. when Sadie puts her head on my shoulder
4. Appreciation.
5. Shows that make me laugh, like Funniest Pets and People and Everybody Loves Raymond.
6. A really good book or movie.
7. Days when I get up and I weigh less than I thought. (rare these days)
8. Family and friends
9. Plants and flowers that respond well to my attention.
10.A really good sex dream.
And my #11 favorite thing? A nap! That is where I'm headed until the drugs kick in:).
Hey, the italics are gone.

Oh, here's my "boo hoo" for the day. I'm going through Sadies clothes yet again and taking out the ones she's outgrown. Damn! She's barely worn them--including shoes. I tend to mourn all her cute little clothes. Maybe a boy would have been better. NOT!

I Haven't Got

ghost in the machine

that's right, the frickin thing doesn't answer to anybody; not even kim. She tried everything she knew and this little unassuming monster has decided to try and cut me off again. As it stand, i can't comment, or most times even open your blogs. I hafta go buy mom some underwear cuz i keep throwing hers out when i do her laundry. Use youe imagination. sorry. I offer it up to god.

sixteen candles

I watched sixteen candles last night for the 20th time. I know it's a flaky eighties movie but its one of those flicks I feel safe with, like an old friend. I'm not going to get scared or grossed out or have nightmares; except for the one about my own sixteenth birthday. The other reason why I like the movie is because I identify with it. Yes, my family forgot THE most important birthday of my life. My father had died 15 months earlier and he was the one who would have remembered. My mother was in Florida for some reason and I was left with 3 older brothers to whom I was either here nor there at the time. I told my girlfriend about it as we were walking to school. Luckily she had planned ahead and a few of my friends gave me a cupcake with a candle in it at lunchtime, in the cafeteria. A little humiliating. Later that evening, my brother Don said, "Hey, why don't you do the dishes?" My mother had been gone a few days so the sink was overflowing. I gave him my best pout and said "It's my birthday." "Oh,Oh, God! he says, "That's ok. You don't have to do them. And, here's 20 bucks. (As he sheepishly snickers). I say, "Forget it!" And then he begs me, apologizing. I finally take it (all the time knowing I was going to. 20 bucks then was alot). He must have called my mom cuz she called later that night and said she had a present for me in her dresser drawer. I go look and it was one of those really pathetic transisters that only played 2 am stations if you clipped the antennae wire to the metal windowsill. It wasn't wrapped so I knew it was a save. I made light of it because, afterall, it was just one more episode in the Dysfunctional Family Circus. To this day she still doesn't remember my birthday, March 6, until it starts getting toward the end of the month cuz hers is March 30 and she doesn't let us forget that.

what was I thinking?

Last week kim and I cashed in her mother's day present from me --a manicure and pedicure. I got there a few minutes ahead of time, just enough time to do some damage. I decided to get fake nails. I did it 10 yrs ago and loved it. But since then my hands have warped a bit and I drop stuff all the time. Not only do I drop stuff more, I am always apologizing to my granddaughter for stabbing her (if only she understood what "I'm sorry gramma stabbed you" meant), I can't blow my nose well. although getting to my eyeball via my nostril is easier. And you won't find any earwax. The worst problem is the keyboard, I'm a hunt & pecker(?) for awhile. But the experience was great. I blew Kim's idea of sitting next to each other in the pedicure chairs cuz i had to get my nails on first. I needed her to hold my hand while that bitch korean scrubbed the bottom of my feet. Who likes that? I gaspped and screamed a few times. Plus I know they talk about us. It might be worth learning Korean just to find out. Then we went to CiCi's for lunch. All in all, a good day for me.However, nothing can compare to the day I had with my daughter when her daughter was born. She asked me to be in the O.R. with her. The greatest gift she could ever give me. Oh, and the "bundle" too. Aaron saw Sadie right after she was cleaned up and said "So that's what our skin is suppose to look like". I have to go now and pick food out from under my nails.

glad to be back

even tho my template backround is red,, and my cursor keeps jumping around i can at least communicate with all the important people. You guys (even those of you I don't know) are so damn clever. You come up with the funniest, most thoughful and intelligent ramblings. I am truly humbled. Actually I'm embarrassed and insecure. Which brings me to my apology to myself. I apologize to myself for always being so critical, impatient and unforgiving. I don't cut myself any slack. I reread a blog from the other day and i misused a word. I meant to write "here" and I wrote "hear". Geeeez, I wanted to revoke my right to write. I don't care if everyone else has typos. Who has time to critique themselves so closely? Every day I look in the mirror and am disgusted by what age has done to my face and body. Kim is always telling me I look the way I'm suppose to for my age. I'm not aging gracefully and it is really getting in the way of living life. Funny thing is I've never thought I looked good enough. Now I look back at photos where I thought I looked terrible and wish I could look like that now. I have always admired people who get out and do things no matter what. When people have confidence instead of insecurity, they automatically appear beautiful. From the time I wake up until I go to bed I think I shouldn't make any mistakes. The people I live with can assure you tyhat isn't the case. I am always tripping myself up. But here's the thing; I do an awful lot of things right. And I do them well.. No more room to blog. To be continued.

joke

ok, i heard this at 1:a.m. ish but of course the computer wouldn't cooperate so hear it is from a letter read by Craig Fergusen. "If people point to their wrist when they ask what time it is, why don't they point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is". I thought this was hillarious. oh well. Cassie, this may be the only way I can talk to you. Whenever I try to access your blog, I get stopped at some point or other. My computer won't let me talk to you via the response. Maybe your energy and mine are just too much. I will keep tryng. I wanted to comment on an earlier blog about taking kai to the park or anyplace where he may be misunderstood. I was a loner child for fear of rejection more often than not. I still am. And when my kids were little I remember telling someone that I felt it was my children and I against the world, after some jerk with no kids got put out by one of them acting like a child. There are such things as perfect parents: they are the ones with no kids. That doesn't mean all childless people are like that. Its just that the rudest, stupidest remarks come from well meaning "no child" people. Sorry for using this venue for responding. Maybe I should burn some sage and waft it over the computer. I think Kim has some.