what was I thinking?

Last week kim and I cashed in her mother's day present from me --a manicure and pedicure. I got there a few minutes ahead of time, just enough time to do some damage. I decided to get fake nails. I did it 10 yrs ago and loved it. But since then my hands have warped a bit and I drop stuff all the time. Not only do I drop stuff more, I am always apologizing to my granddaughter for stabbing her (if only she understood what "I'm sorry gramma stabbed you" meant), I can't blow my nose well. although getting to my eyeball via my nostril is easier. And you won't find any earwax. The worst problem is the keyboard, I'm a hunt & pecker(?) for awhile. But the experience was great. I blew Kim's idea of sitting next to each other in the pedicure chairs cuz i had to get my nails on first. I needed her to hold my hand while that bitch korean scrubbed the bottom of my feet. Who likes that? I gaspped and screamed a few times. Plus I know they talk about us. It might be worth learning Korean just to find out. Then we went to CiCi's for lunch. All in all, a good day for me.However, nothing can compare to the day I had with my daughter when her daughter was born. She asked me to be in the O.R. with her. The greatest gift she could ever give me. Oh, and the "bundle" too. Aaron saw Sadie right after she was cleaned up and said "So that's what our skin is suppose to look like". I have to go now and pick food out from under my nails.

glad to be back

even tho my template backround is red,, and my cursor keeps jumping around i can at least communicate with all the important people. You guys (even those of you I don't know) are so damn clever. You come up with the funniest, most thoughful and intelligent ramblings. I am truly humbled. Actually I'm embarrassed and insecure. Which brings me to my apology to myself. I apologize to myself for always being so critical, impatient and unforgiving. I don't cut myself any slack. I reread a blog from the other day and i misused a word. I meant to write "here" and I wrote "hear". Geeeez, I wanted to revoke my right to write. I don't care if everyone else has typos. Who has time to critique themselves so closely? Every day I look in the mirror and am disgusted by what age has done to my face and body. Kim is always telling me I look the way I'm suppose to for my age. I'm not aging gracefully and it is really getting in the way of living life. Funny thing is I've never thought I looked good enough. Now I look back at photos where I thought I looked terrible and wish I could look like that now. I have always admired people who get out and do things no matter what. When people have confidence instead of insecurity, they automatically appear beautiful. From the time I wake up until I go to bed I think I shouldn't make any mistakes. The people I live with can assure you tyhat isn't the case. I am always tripping myself up. But here's the thing; I do an awful lot of things right. And I do them well.. No more room to blog. To be continued.

joke

ok, i heard this at 1:a.m. ish but of course the computer wouldn't cooperate so hear it is from a letter read by Craig Fergusen. "If people point to their wrist when they ask what time it is, why don't they point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is". I thought this was hillarious. oh well. Cassie, this may be the only way I can talk to you. Whenever I try to access your blog, I get stopped at some point or other. My computer won't let me talk to you via the response. Maybe your energy and mine are just too much. I will keep tryng. I wanted to comment on an earlier blog about taking kai to the park or anyplace where he may be misunderstood. I was a loner child for fear of rejection more often than not. I still am. And when my kids were little I remember telling someone that I felt it was my children and I against the world, after some jerk with no kids got put out by one of them acting like a child. There are such things as perfect parents: they are the ones with no kids. That doesn't mean all childless people are like that. Its just that the rudest, stupidest remarks come from well meaning "no child" people. Sorry for using this venue for responding. Maybe I should burn some sage and waft it over the computer. I think Kim has some.

woops-bow & arrow in the head

I had to double dip today because I just remember what I saw on the news this a.m. The city of Royal Oak and some other city is considering making it legal to hunt with bow and arrow because of the increase in deer population. I guess there have been over a hundred car vs deer accidents of late. I know it makes sense to kill them rather than have them run all over populated places looking for food because of urban sprawl. But consider this. Why can't we just tag all the child molesters and lane blockers and hand out bows and arrows and shoot them instead. I'd rather have the deer. Has anyone ever considered birth control for deer. LIke put some in salt licks or something. This is getting so ridiculous. I go nuts everytime I see the bull dozers raping more pristine land for more buildings when we have abandoned houses and buildings all over the place. Open the goddamn doors of those places and let the deer in. As you probably realize, i like animals ---sometimes more than people. I am not naive. I understand people hunt for food. ok for them. I get that. But why bows and arrows? I give up.

OCD strikes again!

I went out to clean my van but the branches on the abandoned property next door keep slapping me in the face. So I grabbed the monster clippers and took out half the tree. Also their rose bush hangs over the fence and has dangerous thorns, so I took care of that also. I had to move the garbage cans to get to it and decided to clean up that whole area and till up the dirt to possibly make it attractive somehow. While I had the rake out i knew I needed to rake up the weeds I had pulled out of the front little garden. I got the lawn bags and loaded it up. But I needed to finish clearing and tilling that area, so I spent hours doing that. It was great. I didn't think of a cigarette or anything else. I realized how much I really enjoy gardening stuff. Plus I compose little stories while I'm alone with my head. If I do it enough I might come up with something publishable. Well, maybe I'll get to the van today and see where else it takes me. This is why a list of things to do is totally useless to me. It just makes me feel like a failure because--well you can figure out why. I am really sore today, but happy to have discovered something else to obsess about.

TA DA

It worked! I posted a comment. I didn't do anything different. my computer is just in a better mood. Gee, if i would have known it was going to go through, i would have been more prolific. I, however don't feel as well as my computer. My fibro is bad today. Real bad. I can hardly move. Navigating my stairs takes a while. But nothing can dampen my spirits from a computer that is working well. Isn't that weird? It takes so little to make me happy. Thats reminds me of my dream, which was so emotional. O.K. everyone take a break. Noone likes to hear someone elses dreams. But, I think this is what blogging is for. So here it is. Kim was getting ready to go to some kind of Amway party. It was something that was suppose to make her rich. Even tho she didn't really buy it she was going anyway. I was upset with her cuz I didn't think it was important enough for me to babysit for. I said " maybe i want to go out". She's like "Right. Where are you gonna go?" I just starting crying saying I didnt know I just wanted to find someone to hold me. I havent been hugged or held by a man for so long I was just jonesing for some body contact. I woke up feeling like i had been sobbing. It was a dream but unfortunately it is quite true. There is a guy at my moms nursing home that keeps bugging me to go out but he's an alcoholic and just wants to get laid. But I do go up to him and get him to hug me for body contact. It actually helps my pain. But as desparate as I am for companionship, I can't let it happen with just anyone. It's just too complicated. If the right guy comes along, then I will be blessed. God, this sounds like I'm some kind of snob. It's not that. There is a lot of fear involved. I need a guy who makes me feel so comfortable that fear won't be an issue. I have to feel a connection. Oh well its all just part of the human dilemma. The computer is acting like I've been here too long and I'm pushing my luck so I'd better go. Everyone have a great day.

I am not a malcontent

I knew it. I found everybodys blogs, prepared to dazzle all with my witty comments and the computer won't let them pass. Now, you might say I create self-fulfilling prophecies but I was actually born an optimist. I've just had it beaten out of me through systematic practical jokes by the universe. Probably tomorrow Kim will come up to my dungeon to inspect the problem and there won't be one. She will walk away and it will appear, sticking its tongue out at me. This has happened before. People just assume I'm an idiot and thats that. But I don't give up. I get like the legless guy on the top of the mast in a hurricane screaming at God to come and get me. Give it your best shot. People may think I'm really asking for trouble, pissing off some omnipotent ruler of the universe. But actually all it does it let me vent a little and not much changes. So hopefully by tomorrow I will be on better terms with the blog pages and can communicate with the wonderful people that frequent this little room.